My Miscarriage

I don’t even know where to begin. Many months have passed but it still doesn’t feel real.

I had found out I was pregnant in November and it was the most exciting and nerve-wrecking moment of my life! I couldn’t believe I was actually pregnant and I was just soo excited for this next stage of my life.

All of the doctor’s visits and tests had gone by smoothly and all results had been healthy. I waited until those scary first 12 weeks had passed and I was absolutely relieved! Not only was the baby healthy, but at the sonogram visits the baby was moving and very active.

I felt that I was safe. The first trimester had passed and all tests had been absolutely 100% healthy. We started buying baby clothes and items. We finalized names for a boy or a girl.

It happened soo randomly. I was well into my 2nd trimester and I was full of energy and happiness. I woke up at 3am on a Tuesday night with the severe cramps. I didn’t pay much attention to it but the cramps started coming in waves. I went to the bathroom where I saw blood.

I started panicking. My heart was pounding and my whole body went cold. no No NO…this couldn’t be happening. I read and heard stories, but this wasn’t real. This was NOT happening.

I took a few deep breaths, went back into the bedroom, woke my husband up and told him we needed to go to the ER. He saw the seriousness on my face and instantly became worried. To this day he says that is a moment that he will never forget.

On the drive there the cramps started getting more and more severe and coming in waves. That is when I realized they were contractions.

The minute I sat on the ER bed my water broke. I knew what was happening but mentally I could not accept it. I kept telling myself that this isn’t real and this isn’t happening.

Unfortunately, the ER doctor had been busy with another emergency so it was only my husband and I in the room. And the bleeding began. There was soo much blood and no one to help. My husband would go through the ER cabinets trying to find sheets and gowns to wipe the blood off my legs.

I still denied what was happening.

I stood up to get some napkins to wipe blood off my feet and that is when I felt this gush of blood and a pulling sensation.

My husband grabbed me and covered me with a blanket and told me not to look.

I knew what happened.

I looked.

I screamed.

The most horrible painful gut-wrenching scream of my life. It was like being stabbed in the heart a hundred times. It was a pain that made me wish for death.

The doctor came in and used scissors available to cut the cord. He placed the baby in a bin and asked if I wanted to look.

Inna Lilahi Wa Inna Ilayhi Rajioon–Indeed we belong to Allah and to Him we shall return

She was perfect. Beautiful fingers and beautiful toes. Despite being smaller than my hand we could tell that she already had her father’s nose.

I could see her ribs. Her beautiful closed eyes. I wanted nothing more than to have her back in me. To keep growing. To one day see her beauty and know her personality. To hear her voice, her laugh, and her cry. I will never forget that image. Oh Allah how much do I love and miss her.

All the moments after that are a blur. They had to perform a Dilation & Curettage surgery because the placenta did not properly detach. Over the next few days we planned a burial for the baby and began to adjust to life without her.

The most difficult part was seeing my body. I just couldn’t believe I was empty inside. My body started to change back immediately and that was hard to witness.

Over the next few months, I had moments of darkness. I couldn’t comprehend what or why it happened. The only thing that gave me strength was our deen.

I realized that Allah swt had elevated our ranks into Jannatis. While the pain does remain, the fact that we WILL see her again, and she WILL take us into Jannah is something I look forward to everyday insha’Allah.

Because we have been giving this blessing, we centered our goals to take FULL advantage of life. It reminded us that NOTHING is in our control and Allah is the Best of Planners.

When you go through something soo intense, painful, and challenging nothing in life scares you any more. You only look to making your life better because you realize how short it is.

As women and men that have endured miscarriage, Allah swt has told us that the baby will take us into Jannah! So now that we know Jannah is our abode, let us work and live each day to elevate our ranks!

We will cry. We will be sad. But we will take advantage of this blessing given to us. Our babies are NOT lost. They are with THE ONE WHO TAKES CARE OF THEM BETTER THAN WE EVER COULD! And we will see them again insha’Allah! They will be such a relieving sight on the Day of Resurrection.

I pray that all those that have endured a loss be granted peace, strength, and patience during this difficult time. I hope that by reading my story it gives you strength and helps you realize that you are not alone. May this bring us much closer to Allah swt and elevate our ranks in the Gardens of Paradise. AMEEN.