Advice after Loss

Cry & Grieve–this loss is will one of the hardest tests to endure. Not only is it a physical loss but the loss of an anticipated future. You need to cry and you need to mourn. Give in to the tears and let yourself feel the pain. If you keep fighting it, it will bubble up inside of you. Release that heartbreak. Remember, the pain will be there as the weeks go by, but you WILL get stronger. 

Do not feel guilty about your emotions— I remember I felt as if a knife had stabbed my heart. It was heartbreak that caused me physical pain. I felt guilt, thinking it was my fault it happened. 

The hardest feeling was the uncertainty.

As muslims we believe in the unseen world and life after death. It was really hard for me to understand where my baby was. I knew she was in Jannah, but I couldn’t understand what that meant. I then felt guilty for feeling this uncertainty. But what I realized is that it is OKAY to feel grief, dispair, and uncertainty. Allah swt is Most Merciful. He is 70x more merciful than a mother. Allah swt knows the pain we are feeling so He is the one we can open up to.

“Oh Allah, my heart is broken. I do not know how I can live my life after this. I feel broken, lost, and guilty. I feel that it is unfair when others around me had successful pregnancies. I want to cry and cry. I dont know how I can ever feel peace or happiness after this. But my Allah I know that You have a better plan for me. You know what I do not know. There is a reason behind this test. Your mercy and power is infinite and I know that someone else cannot take away what is destined for me”

Surround yourself with loved ones–have your spouse, family, or friends close by. You don’t even need to interact with them but knowing that you are physically not alone provides much comfort. 

Avoid social gatherings–I remember going to a restaurant soon after my miscarriage. I needed a mental break so we thought going out for dinner at restaurant would be a good options. Shortly after being seated, a young couple walked in with a newborn baby. I started bawling at the dinner table. This wasn’t the only time either. I went grocery shopping at Target, when I walked past the baby aisle I started tearing up. This would happen for a few weeks following my miscarriage and IT IS COMPLETELY NORMAL!! The loss is very tough and reminders of that will bring you back to that tough place. After a few weeks, when you feel stronger, you can return to your normal social activities

Remove reminders–-I would recommend having a loved one remove any reminders after your miscarriage. I had my in-laws remove my pregnancy pillow, prenatal vitamins, anything that would remind me of the loss. I remember coming across a momma bear mug that was given to me as a gift and it caused me to break down in tears. Removing these triggers will help. As time goes by you will become strong enough to look at and organize these items, possibly make a memory box. But for the first few months after loss, put these items away.

Sleep–sleep may be hard to come by. I remember I could distract myself throughout the day but it was at night where my mind would be racing. Those quiet moments where there is nothing else to distract your thoughts. I would lie awake in bed for hours with tears in my eyes. Melatonin natural supplements were such a blessing!! It helped me fall and stay asleep. They are found over-the-counter at any drugstore. Available in a pill and chewy form. I would start at the lowest dosage of 3mg but then build up if you need it stronger. Please, of course, discuss with your medical provider before starting any supplements. Your physician may evaluate your sleep state and may recommend a prescription if needed. I definitely recommend this until your sleeping schedule gets back on track.

Memory Box–-I recommend making a memory box to help with accepting the loss and to help with closure. In my memory box I placed the sonogram pictures, my favorite maternity dress, and doctor reports. I recommend writing a letter as well. Letter prompts include: How you thought life would be, expressing your love and words to the baby, or writing about you grief and pain. Writing your feelings and thoughts addressing the grief helps relieve the burden of the pain. 

Counseling Helps!–I know counseling can be taboo in our cultures, but therapy is incredible source of understanding what happened and to help soften the grief. The therapist will also provide tools to help with grief and loss. I remember I was very skeptical when I first started therapy. I thought the best way to deal with the loss was to completely move on and almost ignore that it even happened. I was in a deep state of denial. The first task my therapist had me do was write a letter of how I thought things were going to go and how my life was going to be. I completely thought that this was crazy because I spent months doing the complete opposite of this. But it truly helped!! I felt like a weight was taken off my shoulder. 

The American Journal of Obsterics and Gynecology reported that 29% of women experience PTSD a month after miscarriage loss and 24% experience anxiety. I definitely had PTSD moments with triggers that had me incredibly upset. Therapy helped me identify the triggers and help with anxiety following loss. 

• REMEMBER YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
• 1 IN 5 WOMAN EXPERIENCE A MISCARRIAGE.
• WHAT YOU ARE FEELING IS INCREDIBLY TOUGH BUT KNOW THAT THERE ARE SISTERS ALL AROUND THE WORLD (INCLUDING ME) THAT ARE WITH YOU!!
• YOU WILL GET STRONGER AND YOU WILL FEEL HAPPY AGAIN INSHA’ALLAH!